It's been awhile actually, since I felt matters to the humanity. Probably, I sound a little to dramatic than I supposed to. But, right now, I am sitting in my computer, writing again the blog that has never been maintain for a single bit. I knew from the very first beginning that I will not pay much attention on this blog. But, it is still not the point, the point is I re-visit this blog because I am once again inspired to write. I am kind of glad for giving a proper title to this blog; yes, I just besuk(visited) this blog since I am aware that asa (hope) still glaringly exist in my very being.

I woke up this morning that I have to wake earlier than I usually do, for an assignment that gives me that feeling of being needed for something. In other word, I yet again have the chance to add value to my surrounding; my school, in this case. Since I was being told that I was gonna be a Teaching Assistant in one of the class, I honestly could not contain the excitement resulted from the sense of being able to add value. I am aware, that one of my core value in life is to be useful. This I believe is one of the essential need of a human being, Abraham Maslow has discovered. I like to tell people what they don't know. But it gives me the chill, when people actually excited with what I have to say or even better for thanking me afterwards. Well, because many times, I am losing my ability to keep what I know to myself - which irritates people sometimes and that sensation returns to me in such a negativity.

But today, I conducted the class with a controlled-exuberant in me, thus allowed me to deliver what I need to deliver to the class in appropriate proportion, which I tend to fail. Afterwards, students -most who I already hung out with as a friend rather than as a student- did not keep their gratitude to themselves. Kind of proud of them for generously thanking me and complementing for doing "a good job." This attitude is something I lacked in the past, that I have recently realized and regret. I hardly complementing my competitions; quoting what are actually my insecurities, to be something that they failed to have or do. Projection, exactly. But since I consciously aware of that and use every chance I have to redeem myself, I start feel that it returns to me in a pleasant way. Well, people complementing me, this morning. Nobody can deny that as a human being, we all need a complement that confirms our very existence.

From then on, everything today has just fallen into place without me trying. I have energy to add more value to my teachers and fellow student, which produce more complements. I felt complemented in every corner today. It feels good, definitely. I want this to happen everyday. Naive? Tell me about it - yet we all have that child-like wishes we need to let it live in our inside.

Nietzsche - Human, All Too Human

Ungkap Dimensi Waktu

Adakah suatu bahasa yang cukup murni berbicara,
Jujur mengangkat suara, dan terlebih tulus bergramatika
mengungkap ilusi dimensi waktu

Kalau sejajar dua saja sudah, lalu hinggap menyapa kaku
Lampau sudah kau mengejar tuah yang teraba baku
Sempat gagu pengajar tegap menatap malu
Walau lambat pun sabar menyulap pengap yang datang melulu

Jangan main sambar! Lengkap saja belum!

Terang saja kabut juga yang akhirnya kerap siangi kalbu
Bila benar tulah itu ribut mengolok sembari menggerutu
Kasihan benar yang sudah lama tanggap beradu

Benamkan saja sudah tanya-tanya itu
Siapa tahu besok bertunas
Lusa berbuah
Lalu 'kan mati juga

Besuk Asa

Rapture - Christopher Rouse

This is one of my most favorite orchestral piece of the 21th century.
ENJOY!!

To write is to receive,
All the shimmering impulses that have striven to deceive
To the rite I should have never left,
I surrender the rights I've always tried to believe
Stiff,
Is the idea too naive to perceive, while,
Brief,
Sometimes lasts way longer than the native, so I suppose,
If,
The realm of the ancient reef belongs to one with the only gift,
No one should ever think that'd be the sky one could achieve
But,
It's yet too bright, for the thief to sneak into the darkness of the farmer's piling leaf

So let us just give in to the dream of the wind

To sing is to stay in still,
Like eel that churns in raging thrill
Let's get in deal with that will,
That blame the lane of stuttering drill, so,
Real, is doubt I always feel, and by,
Kneel, I hang my nights, 'till,
Heal, could soar and open the seal
So I kill, the bill that gnaw my only heel, so pardon me,
If I squeal, 'till the thrill takes our deal,
And for real, all my heal seal in still

So just let's give in to the dream in the wind

Hening

Aku bergumam bisu dalam nada, namun tak juga ada melodi yang terbesit,
setelah ku tunggu sejak teriknya malam
Ya, malam. Malam yang mengikis teriknya sang siang
Kian ku berdiam dala hening, kian ku menari dalam bahasa yang berjejal dalam 
kejejakaan emosi
Lama sederet nada memenjara, terlampau vokal berbicara menentang keanggunan bahasa
Lama sederet bunyi berembuk menolak barisan kata

Aku bukan hamba nada, 
Tak mau juga aku jadi pelayan sastra
T'lah lalu aku berpikir bahwa aku ini kuli emosi 
Yang bersembunyi di balik remangan abstraksi
Bukan karena ku takut akan cahaya kegamblangan
Semata, tak ada cukup nada dan kata sanggup menyingkap dan jelaskan kerumitan emosi
yang berkarat di sudut tembokan hati

Namun betapa egois diriku
Menjadi kuli emosi yang menyusun kata-kata bak batu bata
Merekatnya dengan adukan tata bahasa 
yang tak ubahnya menjadi gubuk-gubuk angus yang bertebaran di sela-sela kemayaan rasa

Egois aku 
Menjadi kulis emosi
yang mencari nada dalam setiap gaya yang bergetar
Menyelaraskan waktu seperti bumi yang terus berputar
Namun tak juga ada yang mengerti segala pengaduan yang coba ku hantar

SEBENTAR!!

Ingin aku coba memahami mengapa semua itu terasa begitu E G O I S
Aku sekedar ingin hidup berpesan pada kehenigan,
bahwa ada manusia yang paling tidak ingin juga menghargainya

Ini pengakuannu pada Sang Hening:

Sang Hening,
Aku ingin berdiam dalam mu
Aku menikmati saat birahimu menembus indra ku
Aku bernyanyi, aku berpuisi, bukan karena aku benci pada mu
Namun karena dalam kemegahan mu saja, aku bisa berdoa

Dalam mu, 
Bisa aku mendengar semua nada yang perlu ku dengar
Bisa aku mendengar lagu yang sangat ingin ku dengar
Bisa juga aku mendengar ceramah terjujur yang perlu semua orang dengar

Sang Hening,
Kalau aku boleh berpinta,
Ijinkan aku s'lalu diam bersama mu sepanjang hari 
Walau aku tak lagi berpejam mata
Walau aku tak lagi bermenung dalam keberpihakan gerak, dan
Walau aku tak lagi katupkan telinga dan pita suara,

Ijinkan aku bersetubuh dengan mu dalam pikir ku
Benamkan aku dalam kesunyian mu, 
Saat aku bernyanyi, saat aku bicara, saat aku bergumam, 
Bahkan saat ku harus berteriak

Sang Hening, 
Ijinkan aku mendengar selalu,
Lagu yang perlu ku dengar, 
Ceramah yang perlu ku simak,

Dalam sorak-sorai mu,
Pintaku Sang Hening!